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Stop Negotiating With Yourself

When you replace the bargaining thoughts with reminders of why and being to depend on the source energy that initiated the decision, in due time, the desire to (unconsciously) negotiate disappears and the way we move becomes the default.

One Sunday night at family dinner (I was still drinking alcohol so that’s how long ago I wrote this and didn’t share), I was asked, “Are you going to wake up at 4:30 tomorrow?” The question was legitimate, as I had been drinking and I was out much later than normal. I knew where the doubt and question stemmed from, but my answer is what sparked this desire to share. I responded, “that’s my default, no questions asked.”

I committed myself to waking up early each day to be the best version of myself, so yes, I will get up at 4:30 tomorrow, regardless of what I currently have going on. ESPECIALLY on a Monday. At that moment, I wasn’t negotiating with myself, I wasn’t allowing doubt to creep in, or convince myself one morning off wasn’t going to kill me, or sleep in. I was affirming for myself that I will not rescind my word. I will not negotiate with Monday.

When we negotiate, we welcome energy that doesn’t serve us and could potentially allow us to go back on our word. One of the greatest reflections of self-love is integrity: honoring one’s word as one’s self. Keeping promises, attaining goals, and creating healthy habits are all forms of self-love, and ways we fill our cups. Yet, somehow, these things seem to always be the first and easiest things we slack on. And how we treat ourselves is how we let others treat us; so let’s lead with love for ourselves by cutting out unconscious negotiations.

My dear friend and empathy guru once told me, “the planner in us needs to have empathy for the executor”. He made it obvious to me that our personalities are different when we are motivated to do something (the planner) vs when we are taking action towards completing said something (the executor).

Negotiate with yourself, here, as the planner, with empathy. The only negotiation phase is the planning phase: It happens in the planning, habit creation, goal setting stage. Have that conversation with yourself, be honest with what your abilities are, be aware of limit testing, understand the sacrifice, and end the negotiation with a plan. That way, when it’s time to implement, the need to head back into the negotiation phase decapitates. Agree to the terms and conditions, ink the contract, and get moving!

Below is a sample of my morning contract (literally from today 1.5.2022, I had to force

myself to complete this thought/writing/sharing from MONTHS ago):

Clauses/other commitments to my contract:

  1. If I wake up with a headache

  2. If said morning falls on 3rd night of sleeping less than 5 hours

  3. Sleep through workout time, still wake up by 6:30 to complete the rest of my morning tasks

  4. If my BODY, not my MIND is requesting sleep — only allow for 1x a week for this

  5. If the evening prior consists of physical activity (ie. I play soccer on Thursday nights a few months of the year

  6. obviously any emergencies outside of my control

There are many ways to become motivated and feel accomplished while setting goals for yourself. Something I strongly believe in is setting big goals with small priorities that move us toward the big goal. Small priorities become small wins as we move towards the bigger end game, and that helps motivate us to continue our path forward, celebrating those small wins along the way.

Mornings are nonnegotiable for me especially Mondays; I will get my ass up, work my ass off, eat well, study hard, and get to work. No questions asked. It sets the tone for the rest of the day and week to follow; starting Monday off based on my plan changes the entire trajectory for the week! I had a hard time with family dinner when we first started them, it’s a commitment and since I am attached to my mornings, I was taking myself away from being there wholly and completely on Sunday. Because of this, I had to re-enter a negotiation phase to help make my Sunday commitment make sense to my Monday morning commitment. Once I did, I was able to better compartmentalize and be present at Sunday family dinners. To note – renegotiation phases should happen consciously, not un or subconsciously. And don’t play yourself when you’re half asleep or running behind or any other excuse that tries to disguise itself as a conscious planning phase. I digress.

Anyway, back to negotiations – we are constantly having conversations in our heads about what we can give up, where we can tweak this decision, or how we can make up for it later. All of which, we never do. Stop entertaining the conversations and start showing up for yourself; silence the noise as soon as it creeps in.

One way to kill the constant (unconscious) negotiations is to build a bridge between the doubtful thought and the outcome you desire: Replace the reluctance with a reminder of why you wanted to do this (said activity you suddenly no longer have time or energy for) in the first place. Take it a step further and FEEL the energy of excitement and opportunity that were present during the initial (conscious) negotiation phase. Lean on the motivation that existed at the inception of this goal creation or habit-forming decision. Another tip is to remind yourself it’s already done (the negotiating), you’ve already accounted for gains and losses, you’ve already set out for greatness, it’s now time to execute.

When you replace the bargaining thoughts with reminders of why and being to depend on the source energy that initiated the decision, in due time, the desire to (unconsciously) negotiate disappears and the way we move becomes the default. It really can be that simple. Squash the second and third phases of negotiation. You’ve already done that and agreed to the terms and conditions.

For me, Monday morning workouts: Nonnegotiable. I will not miss it. What are your non-negotiables? What is something you will always choose for yourself because you know it works well for you?

“Stop negotiating with yourself”

This mantra pulls me back to the planner, back to the goals, back to the plan. I made this commitment with empathy for the executor but also with grit for the executor. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to take on ALL that I am currently involved in but it’s in direct alignment with my passion, with my purpose, and everything I’m committed to. These plans I’ve set forth are moving me toward what I want and in the direction toward a lifetime of happiness. Why stay in bed when all of this is out there waiting for me to do something with?!

Right? Not to mention, Monday was non-negotiable so why would Tuesday be any different? The energy starts to bleed into the rest of the day, into each week, and soon enough it becomes the default. Keep pushing, stick to the plan, stay focused, be in alignment with your purpose, and let’s get this shit!

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